Control

I’m a bit of a control freak. You probably wouldn’t guess it by looking at my disorderly bathroom cabinet or barely-organized closet, but those closest to me would likely confirm that I work best in situations that give me some measure of control over the structure or outcome. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, but I am learning that there are many things in life that I have little to no control over.

The months following my last entry on this blog have been a bit of a whirlwind. As I’m sure most of you know, we discovered that we were pregnant again just weeks after the heartbreak of our miscarriage. For the first couple months of this pregnancy, I struggled with a roller coaster of anxiety and excitement, hope and worry. After doing “everything right” with the last pregnancy, but still losing that baby, I found it hard to be motivated to do the “right things” during the early part of this new baby’s life. Taking my prenatal vitamins was less of a joy and more of a chore, especially though those early weeks of nausea. Announcing my pregnancy to family and friends was an interesting experience as well – “So, we’re pregnant again. Yeah, we are really surprised. I guess I’m happy, but mostly right now I’m scared that we will lose this baby too.”

As the weeks went by and we watched the growth and health of this child through a series of “extra” ultrasounds (they were paying close attention to my ovary – bless that cyst that allowed me to see my baby more than most moms!) we grew in confidence that this child is strong and healthy. During this time, I began to have an important lesson impressed on my heart. In many ways, I believe that the Lord was peeling back some of my control-freak nature so that I could better learn to rest in his grand plan for my life.

I can’t lay blame for my desire to have control over my life on any one thing. I think that this desire is ingrained in my human nature – something as ancient as the DNA that I inherited from the original control-freak, Eve. However, I do believe that our current culture provides me a myriad of opportunities to coddle and nurture this urge. There are so many opportunities in modern life to have control over our circumstances. We can choose from an insane variety of food to eat, places to live, educational opportunities, lifestyles, clothing…. And the list goes on and on. I venture to say that it is these choices that give us the illusion of complete control over our lives.

But despite all the choices that we are afforded in this modern life, there are still many things that we have little to no control over. Early in my current pregnancy I was impressed with the fact that there was not a single thing I could do to add one more cell to my baby’s tiny body. Yes, I could make all the right healthy choices for this pregnancy, but that was no guarantee that the child would thrive in my womb. I had to rest in the mysterious miracle of fetal development – something that science knows more about than ever, but still cannot fully explain. More importantly than that, I had to trust that the God who provided the spark of life for this child is the same Father who delights to give good gifts to his children (Matt 7:7-11).

I don’t know that I would have learned this lesson as well if I didn’t have the experience of our miscarriage before this healthy pregnancy. It is strange how pain brings important truths into crystal-clear focus. If I had simply had a uncomplicated pregnancy from the start, I believe that I would have taken some of the credit for myself – after all, I know all of the “right things” to do.

So, slowly, reluctantly, I am learning the truth of what I’ve heard since childhood – “…which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” (Matt 6:27) This is a lesson that I will probably be in the process of learning throughout my whole life. As I said before, I believe that my desire to control my circumstances, and by extension, the circumstances of those around me, is one of the most anciently ingrained propensities of my nature.

So, now as I am on the brink of parenthood (Happy due date, my precious baby Luke!), I hope that I can enter this new chapter of my life with a sense of trust and peace. I know that there will be many opportunities for me to grasp for control over my son’s life, but that there will be many things I simply have no control over. Not that I am advocating a “que sera, sera” philosophy of life or parenting – I still believe that we are called to make wise choices (reference the entire book of Proverbs for Biblical examples of that). But instead of trying to engineer every aspect of my life, and getting upset when things don’t go according to my best-laid plans, I want to rest in the beautiful life-giving truth of Matthew 6:24 – “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble”.